A friend of mine, who we’ll call Kathy* recently had a date with a guy we’ll call Jim*. At first, Jim seemed pretty normal. In fact, he seemed very aware of his mental health and ready to put in the work to become a better person.
In a dating scene like today’s, that was a massive breath of fresh air. She was very excited to go on the date, even going so far as to do the whole dressing-up-to-the-nines thing.
Unfortunately, the date tanked in a surprising way.
Jim started off normal, but he quickly started to talk about his mental health. He explained that he has been “hurt a lot” by women and that he “insists on having strong boundaries with women” as a result of it.
This sounded normal-ish at first, but it got bad, quick.
Jim rattled off a bunch of “boundaries” that weren’t actually boundaries. They were demands. Some of the wilder “boundaries” he insisted on included:
Requiring her to give him her email and phone passwords.
Having oral sex once a day.
Not using birth control with him.
Prioritizing him above all else, while also giving him a wide berth for “his mental episodes.”
Freaked out, she cut the date off fast.
He retaliated by saying that she “didn’t respect his boundaries” and “made him feel unsafe” around her. He then started to get aggressive.
We were floored when we saw how aggressive his messages got, but thankfully, he stopped hitting her up soon enough.
Jim’s behavior was a prime example of the growing issue of weaponized “therapy talk” in the dating scene.
Talking about therapy and mental health is in right now — in a big way. Part of the reason is that our increased awareness about things like emotional abuse, boundary setting, and personality disorders has helped keep others safe.
In many cases, people who learned about those topics were able to leave dangerous situations because of this trend. Therapy talk can save lives, but in recent years, a growing number of abusers have been twisting those words into weapons of control.
This is known as weaponizing therapy talk, and it’s something we need to discuss.
Weaponized therapy talk is a deeply insidious form of coercive, controlling behavior.
Weaponized therapy takes terms that should help victims and turns it around on them. In most cases, it’s a way to shift the blame from the abuser to the victim — not unlike what you’d see with reactive abuse.
For example, weaponized therapy talk might include things like…
Using “boundaries” as “demands” to make a person behave in a certain way that sets double-standards. Ever notice that having the same expectations of behavior for an abuser never works? It’s by design.
Stonewalling or saying you’re “unhealthy” when you ask them to treat you with respect or dignity. I’ve also seen people do the “unhealthy” thing over not wanting to have kids.
Using terms incorrectly as a way to dismiss or invalidate genuine concerns a person has. For example, this might include things like saying you’re “trauma dumping” when you’re really just saying you’re unhappy.
Calling everyone a “Narcissist” or a “BPD case.” Narcissism is on the rise, but not everyone has it. Come on, now!
Accusing you of being close-minded, sexist, or wrong for not wanting to do sex acts with someone. I got called “ageist” for not wanting to bang a 70-year-old. Yikes, bro.
The biggest “tell” is that there’s a double standard that continues to happen throughout the relationship with the person who weaponizes therapy talk. The double standards never stop until you break things off.
Some abusers may get spiteful and actually may try to force their exes into rehab or a psych hold when they leave. The worst part is that most people who are victimized end up losing credibility among their own group — quite literally because their abusers make them seem crazy to others.
Why is this becoming so common?
It’s simple: abusers use whatever manipulation works. Therapy speak works because it makes them look like the enlightened, concerned, and innocent — like they are trying to just help out.
And people fall for it because they tend to believe the best in others. Wild, isn’t it?
All your cities lie in dust, my friend…
