My friend Sadie* has been struggling with her family. More specifically, she’s been struggling with the holiday season and her family’s invitation to dinner. Christmas time has always been a moment when she would go over to her parents’ house, eat some turkey, and laugh with everyone there.
In recent years, that changed.
Her parents, much like so many others around her, changed when Trump came into office. Every other talk was a rant about “the woke mob” or how “immigrants are going to get what they deserve,” and it was disturbing for her to hear them spew such hateful sayings in front of her.
Her parents weren’t always like that. They were once reasonable. They were very open-minded as she grew up, but the right-wing media poisoned their minds. Sadie found it deeply unpleasant to be around them. They were always angry, always hateful, and obsessive about Trump.
So, how does Sadie handle it? Or, really, how does anyone handle this? I got a quick guide for you if you’re a victim of political family estrangement.
#1: The first thing you need to do is determine if it’s even safe for you to go out and see them.
I’m not going to mince words: not every left-leaning person should keep ties to their family, even if they want to. There have been multiple cases of extreme domestic violence as a result of political issues.
If you fear for your life as a result of something your family members said or did, now is not the time to visit. You need to stay away and choose yourself first. Unfortunately, brainwashed people have a tendency to snap at the drop of a hat, so you can’t count on them to be safe to be around.
#2: If it’s safe, determine if they are going to be willing to stick to boundaries.
I’ve heard countless stories of people telling their MAGA family members that they’ll attend a party or holiday meetup as long as they do not mention Trump. The MAGAs agree, swearing it won’t come up in conversation.
Sometimes, they are able to stick to it. More often than not, though, they can’t help themselves. Another explosive rant later, they’re shocked to see their left-leaning family member packing their stuff up and leaving out the door.
Sadly, boundaries are not a thing that many Q-adjacent people respect. There are stories like this one all over QAnonCasualties. So, you have to prepare yourself for the chance that they won’t be able to adhere to boundaries.
If you want to give your family a chance to show they can behave themselves, it’s often best to book a hotel room nearby just in case things go South. If you’re almost certain they’ll choose Trump or Bondi over Christmas, well…It’s going to be a very ugly Christmas for you if you attend.
#3: Do not give them right-wing media as a gift.
Don’t do it. Seriously, even if it’s on their holiday wish list, you don’t have to support these fascists. Any money spent on that will end up harming more people, so try to find a politically neutral item — if you even get a gift at all.
#4: If you have kids, consider what your parents or other family members will say to them.
Would you want to force your kid to sit next to someone spouting racist stuff for five hours? Would you feel comfortable putting your child near a homophobic person, when they may be questioning if they’re straight or not? If the answer is no, you have to think about your family’s behavior.
As a parent, your job is to protect your child from danger. That danger can include your own parents, even though it might not be the thing you want to have to do.
If you wouldn’t feel comfortable hearing your grandparents say something that your immediate family would say, you should consider skipping out.
#5: Have an excuse ready if you are not comfortable or safe visiting your Q/MAGA relatives.
In an ideal world, you would be able to put your foot down and tell your family that you’re not willing to visit them due to the political divide. If you feel safe to do so, by all means, explain to them that you don’t want to come for that reason.
However, some won’t take “just politics” for an answer (once again, boundaries!). When this happens, it’s good to have a backup excuse that you can use for this:
“I can’t make it. Little Timmy fell and he can’t move much.”
“Ugh, they put me on shift again at Wal-Mart. Sorry!”
“Car broke down. FML, right?”
An excuse allows them to save face and might be able to help prevent setting them off. If you are not going to give an excuse, it’s best to remind them that they chose Trump over their family.
Sometimes, you also need to come up with excuses to explain to others why you didn’t go to family members during the holiday. It’s a good idea to keep a couple on hand:
“Eh, mom wasn’t feeling it.”
“I was not in a good mood and didn’t want to put a damper. I’m sure they had fun though!”
Politely ducking out is an art form that is learned.
#6: Have a plan when you see them, if you see them.
You should never go into a brainwashed person’s home without a plan on how to deal with their antics. There are several methods that can help you make the most of your visit while you protect your sanity:
Grey Rock/Leave. If they start baiting you into an argument, have a plan to either give an un-reaction or leave. This is how you draw a line in the sand that they won’t cross again. The more you enforce this boundary, the better off you’ll be long-term.
Socratic Questions. Socrates would teach his students by asking open-ended questions that would make them question their beliefs. This is a good option for people who want to pull their family out of the Q world. However, you shouldn’t get too hopeful as this doesn’t always work.
Redirecting. Rather than take the bait, redirect the conversation to something else — be it school or something humorous. This can help when people get aggressive.
The Line. If this is what you would consider their final chance at keeping the peace, make a point of knowing what you would do if they decide to act poorly. Whether this is a long text explaining how they’re out of line or simply ghosting is up to you.
#7: Take time to grieve, especially if you hear nothing from them.
Estrangement doesn’t always happen because a leftist cuts off their MAGA family. Sometimes, MAGAs end up collectively deciding that it’s time to shun their left-leaning family members too. And let’s face it, shunning hurts — even if it’s mutual.
I’m not going to mince words. It sucks feeling like you’re the outcast in your own family. There’s no way to ignore the sting of realizing your relatives, who were supposed to be with you for life, chose a random politician over you.
So, if you aren’t feeling holly or jolly, don’t try to force it. Take time to grieve. Cry, scream, do what you need to do. There is a grieving process that comes with losing your family, even if it ends up being a temporary loss.
#8: If you’re in need of a pick-me-up, consider planning an alternative or creating new traditions.
Ever since Trump took office, millions of people have started to deal with estrangement. The man basically tore apart families through hate speech. This effectively killed many family traditions of bringing everyone together to party.
When your old traditions no longer bring you joy, it may be time to start a new tradition. By now, people have started to notice that having a “Friendsgiving” or a friend-based Christmas is a smarter move.
A friend of mine started a new tradition of going on a vacation during the Christmas holiday to a spot of their choosing, simply because they weren’t going to their parents’ anymore. While your tradition doesn’t have to be as decadent, it can still switch things up.
#9: Take time for yourself if you haven’t already.
If you’re feeling burnt out and alone, now would be a good time to take a breather. There are more important things in life than getting all gussied up for the holidays — especially if the people asking you to come over don’t even treat you well.
Take time for yourself. Breathe. At the end of the day, it’s really just another day.
Cheers!
