The Real Reasons Why Trumpers Freak Out After Shunning

My former friend looked at me, his mouth covered, as he told me the truth: he voted for Donald Trump. We were at the smoke shop that I so often frequented with my husband — the source of so many of my article ideas when I was dry.

He didn’t want to look me in the eye.

That was the last time I saw him. It’s a shame. He was a decent, car-oriented dude who could talk about mods till the cows came home. But, I can’t be around Trumpers. They already broke my family.

These days, voting for Trump is a way to proclaim that our friendship is over. It’s a sign that we do not have enough in common to sit at a table together. After all, I am not okay with what a vote for Trump signifies.

Like many people, I’ve had Trump voters try to preemptively dissuade me from cutting things off.

If nothing else, Trumpers are very good at realizing when they soured a relationship with me. I think it’s because my entire demeanor changes when I hear that confession.

So far, I’ve heard the following:

• “Oh, you Democrats hate us, don’t you? I hope you’re not like them and cut me out because I voted red.” (I am them.)

• “I only voted for him because he’s good for the economy. I don’t actually agree with the anti-woman stance, I swear!” (I’m sure Nazis voted for Hitler for the economy too. We still call them Nazis.)

• “We’re all Americans, right?” (Yes, but for how much longer? And also, why should my illegal immigrant friends be put into concentration camps? That’s inhumane and they have not done anything harmful to people.)

• “I know how you feel about him, but please keep an open mind. I would like to keep our friendship.” (You literally voted to strip my rights away. That’s not what friends do.)

• “I still like you. You don’t have to be hateful and drop me because of politics…” (Uh, you voted to put my friends in camps, split up my family, and also strip me of rights. You’re calling me the hateful one? Yeah, no.)

• “Come on, stop being such a feminazi. Don’t we have good times?” (We had good times. Then you called me a slur for standing up for my rights and the rights of others.)

• “C’mon. You’re not going to drop me because of politics, are ya? sad puppy smile” (You’re right. I won’t. I’m dropping you over ethics.)

Online, you can find countless posts of Republicans grieving broken relationships with leftists.

A lot of MAGAts are starting to realize the true outcome of their actions: being estranged from their family. They didn’t think that their loved ones would actually distance themselves over their choice to vote against human rights.

And now they’re upset and angry.

If you’re like many people, you’re probably wondering what gives. Most of us have spent years listening to them call Democrats and minorities everything from “brainwashed sheep” to words I generally don’t like writing.

After all the vitriol, anger, and work they put against our rights, you’d think they’d be happy that people are avoiding them, right? Well, wrong. There are a couple of reasons why MAGAts are freaking out over the exodus of leftists in their lives…

To understand what’s going on, you’re going to have to understand cult and gang mentality.

A lot of people rightfully mention that MAGA acts like a cult. Few, though, notice that it also acts like a hate gang. Cults and hate gangs tend to do several things that change you — often permanently.

Why? Because both of these are high-control organization types that tend to change a person, breaking down who they used to be in the process.

They slowly remove your identity and replace it with the organization’s identity.

This is why so many of us have seen people seemingly change overnight — as if they are different people. Cults and gangs both encourage you to fall in line with the identity they offer.

They reward you when you fall in line, flaunt your identity, and follow leadership. They also punish you when you don’t conform. Both groups use their own language to separate you from others and give you a sense of camaraderie.

Part of the identity that gang and cult life takes from you is your friends, family, and support network. Not many people want to associate with gang members because they tend to bring trouble with them. So, it automatically isolates you.

On the other hand, cults tend to do what they can to make you isolate yourself from others. It’s part of how these groups make it hard to leave. You can’t leave without a safety net, right?

There’s often a “bait and switch.”

A lot of Trumpers did not believe that Donald Trump actually meant what he promised to do with Social Security, DEI, tariffs, and the Board of Ed. They were told by people that they were the “good guys” that will benefit from their actions.

Believe it or not, both gangs and cults do this. Gangs often portray themselves as the law when law enforcement fails you. Cults do this with…well, everything.

Most of us have watched a MAGAt or Q-Anoner go from a rational person to believing that Trump is Jesus Christ. It often starts with dating advice content creators, Joe Rogan, or groups that claim to sympathize with peoples’ struggles.

That’s the bait. Trump was the switch.

Both groups also create an “us vs them” mentality.

Cults encourage you to separate yourself from nonbelievers or encourage you to do things that alienate yourself from others. MAGA does that a lot, but the way they do it is more gang-like.

MAGA is all about stirring up hate speech. They’re coming up with perceived threats in people who genuinely mean no harm. They are training followers to hate those deemed as the “other” as a way to control them.

The thing is, a lot of the people who cut Trumpers out are part of the groups villainized by MAGA. And yet, they’re the MAGA follower’s loved ones.

Another major issue is that MAGA deals with addictive anger.

Most cults (and believe it or not, most gangs) do not actually weaponize rage and hate to mobilize their crowds. Hate tends to destroy organizations — unless the main point of the organization is hate.

Gangs like the KKK and others tend to focus on hate. Hate radicalizes people. For people in hate gangs, hate becomes their purpose. And part of that is learning to see people as the enemy and treat them like it.

The funny thing is that a lot of those hate gang members don’t start off that hateful. They start off alone. It often starts with them being told, “Hey, you’re not alone for feeling like the world is against you. We get it too, and it’s their fault.”

After a while, all the hate you hear about other people ends up getting internalized. It starts feeding your rage, turning into a vicious cycle that can be hard to snap out of.

What you’re seeing about the freakouts is a mix of cognitive dissonance, fear of consequences, and anger addiction.

Speaking as someone who’s watched this happen with a lot of their friends, there’s a certain level of denial that comes with joining a high-control organization.

You see, when you join a high-control group like a cult or a hate gang, it’s generally not overnight. There’s a curve to your existence in it. You get in, thinking, “Okay, I’m in. That is cool! Nothing in my life will change!”

But deep down, you know that it will change. But, you hope it doesn’t. You hope you won’t be like the others you know — the ones whose family no longer speaks to them or the ones who get avoided in the street, the ones who lose opportunities left and right.

You hope, pray, and wish that people won’t cut themselves off from you. You don’t want to lose your old friends. You want to keep your new group, become part of their community, and keep the old. You think, “I’m different. I won’t change too much.”

But, you do change. You fall in line. You get convinced of the messaging. It makes you feel strong, powerful, and cared for. This new community is intoxicating — and you start to chirp out their talking points.

Little do you notice that people are seeing those “little changes” you made, alarmed at the transformation. They barely recognize you anymore. You don’t realize how angry you are, how aggressive you come off, or how downright scary or crazy you sound.

To you, you’re just regular ol’ you. Just with new friends or a new job. To everyone around you, you’re off the chain. They’ve already started to grieve who you were. They don’t like who you’ve become.

But you hope they don’t see it that way. You hope you’re the exception to the rule. You think, “I can be both people at the same time!” Newsflash: you’re not able to. No one is.

You think that maybe talking to them, pleading with them, will keep you in their lives. So, you tell them, maybe beg them, not to give up on your relationship. But they do.

And that’s when reality hits: you gave up your family, friends, and coworkers for your politics. And now, you’re stuck with the people around you — angry, bitter, and vengeful.

This is why shunning works.

For a lot of people, their family and friends are their lives. Without them, they realize they’re alone. And that loneliness burns in the way that few other things can or do.

Losing the people around them is one of those things that is unthinkable. As long as they don’t lose their loved ones, they won’t budge on the Trump train. And many of them will do mental backflips to convince themselves that it won’t happen to them.

People don’t realize how much denial you can have about how much you change under these groups’ control. If you ask most hardcore Q-Anoners, they’ll all swear up and down that they are “the same person they were 10 years ago.”

And that’s exactly why cutting ties works.

You can ignore the awkward glances at the dinner table. You can shrug off the quiet, worried requests for you to tone down the Trump talk. You can aggressively deny that you’re making people uncomfortable and believe it.

You can’t ignore getting the email from your kids saying you’re not welcome on Thanksgiving. You can’t ignore the cold center in the middle of a microwave meal you end up eating alone on Christmas or the reply of “Please stop contacting me!” from an ex.

It is a massive wake-up jolt to get those messages that the people around you won’t take it anymore. Shunning also reminds them that actions have consequences and tells them they chose their side at the expense of the people who loved them the way they used to be.

It also forces them to think about who they chose over their loved ones, what they actually voted for, and how much they lost over that choice. It stops being a nebulous identity gesture, and it starts getting real.

For many people, that’s the wake-up call that makes them start to deconstruct.

Not every person who gets shunned will deconstruct — but it can help turn some around.

Shunning is brutal and not just for the person who’s being ostracized. It also hurts people who have to make the tough decision to cut ties with someone. It’s never a light decision to make.

Most people who cut ties with their loved ones grieve over it, but there is hope. A lot of people who notice the palpable absence of people eventually rethink their behavior. It’s the start of deconstruction.

However, this isn’t a guaranteed method to get your brainwashed conservative loved one back. Even if they do come around, chances are high that they still won’t be the same person you miss.

Cutting ties is also a thing to do for your own sanity’s sake.

If you were hoping for a silver bullet that would guarantee your loved one would come back to the sane side of things, this isn’t it. There’s no guarantee that anyone will leave a high-control organization due to ostracism.

Shunning does, however, guarantee that you won’t have to listen to their hateful speeches, deal with the hurt of being expected to allow them to treat you poorly, and also not be in your vicinity.

Let’s face it. Voting for a rapist and a fascist is a morally reprehensible thing to do. The easiest way to show that you don’t approve of their behavior is to show them through your absence.

And sometimes what you do is just as important as what you don’t do.