Lately, I was on Reddit when I read a post about a woman who felt traumatized by the way men lied to her in order to get a date. She said it was making it hard for her to trust any man — and that it was affecting her interest in dating.
Throughout the thread, myriads of women commiserated. Several of them even went so far as to admit they’ve gone celibate because they no longer feel like they can trust men enough to sleep with them. Truth be told, I absolutely understood how they felt.
Every single girl I’ve ever met has heard others warn her that “men ony want one thing,” and it’s a warning that often comes before she turns 15.
Most people don’t realize that warning isn’t just something that older women say. It’s a brutal reality of what almost every single woman, if not every single woman has experienced.
I personally don’t know a single woman who hasn’t had a guy lie about himself or his intentions to get laid.
There are so many lies. So, so many.
And these aren’t always small lies, either. I’ve seen men lie about everything from enjoying certain types of music, to political beliefs, to knowing about whiskey distillation methods, to constructing an entire persona just to get laid.
Sometimes, they even lie about wanting to be a friend—something that is tragically done to women who are often in a very vulnerable, negative, and lonely headspace. I mean, shit, in high school, that was the status quo with me.
Guys pretended to be friendly to fuck me. If they didn’t get what they wanted in a short enough period of time, they’d just ice me out or even hit me because I said no. Then, I’d be blamed for “believing them” when, in fact, it was desperate loneliness that made me say yes.
Of course, in a way I was lucky. Most of the guys from my high school and college years didn’t really pretend to care that well. Some women find out that their best friends were only their “friends” because they thought they’d get laid eventually. It’s as if their friendship is a consolation prize.
Some men know they don’t have to lie to get a girl. They still do. They lie about how long-term they want it and whether they want to stick around. Then, they get laid and vanish.
Most women understand the trauma that comes with this kind of treatment—with lies that can go on for years before a guy gives up. You’re stuck wondering if you ever knew that person, or if you’re even worth connecting to.
Every single time it happens, another little slice of your faith in men dies. Eventually, even the most trusting woman will have little faith left in the men who swear they want to wine, dine, and care for her.
Despite the damage it obviously does to women, too many men think it’s okay to do this.
I wish I could find the Reddit post that got me thinking on this topic, but a woman asked men why they thought it was okay to lie for sex. One of the top responses was, “We don’t owe you anything.”
Oh, wait, I found it. I’ll post it. It’s the one above.
Another commonly heard excuse was, “Well, women should choose better.”
That was so telling.
I mean, do these guys listen to themselves talk?
No one is a human lie detector. No one is capable of telling who will be horrible to them by just a quick chat. No matter what women do to keep their guards up, guys will find a reason to absolve themselves of guilt—including the classic “not all guys.”
Most women are acutely aware that if the shoe was on the other foot, it wouldn’t turn out well for us. Men would make sure everyone knew whatever the moral failing it was, call it out, and excoriate the woman until she has a whole new package of therapy bills.
There’s an elephant in the room here.
It’s the toxic masculinity thing. The men who lie are doing so for validation as well as kink. They only think a woman is “worth it” if she doesn’t initially want him—and that speaks volumes about how he sees himself, other men, and women too.
Women understand what it is: it’s getting off on the idea of “tricking” a woman into sleeping with them. But, we also don’t talk about how lying can be a form of sexual coercion.
No, I’m not overblowing this.
If you have to lie about who you are and what you’re willing to offer, you’re doing a form of rape by deception. Why? Because most women wouldn’t have consented had you been honest about what you want.
Consent isn’t just about getting a “YES!”
It’s about getting an enthusiastic, informed “YES!” It’s about making both partners feel abundantly safe. And sadly, there are way too many men who don’t understand how traumatizing this kind of stuff can be for women.
It’s often said that the Male Loneliness Epidemic is male-caused, and I believe it is.
For every guy wondering why so many women don’t give men chances anymore, I hope they take a look at the political climate. Roe fell. Misogyny is rampant. And way too many men think they don’t owe women honesty.
Truth be told, if I wasn’t surgically sterilized, I likely would have become celibate because I couldn’t trust men to care about what happened to me if I got pregnant again.
I’ll be honest: I’ve hooked up with three guys in the past week. None of those three men have any problem getting laid by women, and only one of them is conventionally attractive. They do three things right:
They see women as people, not objects to be conquered or trophies. In other words, they ask women how their day was, listen to what they enjoy, and make it fun for them. Like, they’re looking to connect with another human being—not just to stuff their dick in a Hot Pocket.
They’re open about what they want, but can take no for an answer. Surprise! Some women see that and actually change their minds. They feel safe with an honest guy.
Actually enjoying female friendships. Humans are humans, no matter what gender. If you feel someone is a “waste of time” without getting laid, you probably don’t realize that the reason you’re so lonely is YOU.
The funny thing is that I’m actually a fairly lonely person. I’ve cut things off with people who I really liked because they either flaked or did something sketchy. I’m fairly easy to please, too.
As a person who has dealt with a lot of loneliness, I know how gratifying it is to have an actual friend who will also fuck you. It’s not quite romance, but it’s a type of love and admiration that is both loving and freeing at the same time. And it’s very hard to find because of the way patriarchy warped men’s idea of good sex.
Moreover, I know at least six other women who are just in the same situation I’m in. They want casual sex, served with a side of friendship or a side of “let’s just forget life for a while,” but can’t find partners because men are just unwilling to be upfront about it.
Some ended up just getting the “ick” from men in general. Others chose to simply stay in unhappy relationships because “it’s better than nothing,” while others have chosen to simply avoid dating despite their longing for companionship.
Sadly, I don’t think men are ready to explore the truth. They’d rather be loved for who they are not, traumatizing people left and right, instead of facing themselves in the mirror.
